mountain rivers

i can’t rejoice

can’t carry on

keep hearing your voice

round and round

in a vicious loop

not of my choice

in my mind

ringing in my ears

maybe i’ll just

take another pill

to shut it out

it’s just not really

true

is it?

if so

why does it hurt still

is this what angst is

 am i just another fool

who lost her way

stumbling around

in the dark crevices

of mind games

life played me

hard

fast

incessant

twisted

the windy roads take me

low into the valley

wrong turn

i see storms rolling in

i speed up, anxious

hurrying to higher ground

don’t wanna be

left behind

be alone

don’t wanna

be

i used to want

fear wiped it off

swiftly

without a trace

i stand on the precipice

wanna fly

no wings

stubs, nothing

scaled the steep once

now my bluff is called

will that voice in my head

echo in the valley below

flying becomes falling

free falling

independence

freedom

wind in my face

i reach out

to you there

i know you are

with me

hold my hand

kiss my lips

my eyes open

flutter

i seem to have wings now

iridescent, glowing

tubular

blinking

beeping

i hear your voice again

we will fly together

you and i

hold my hand

keep me safe

lemme place my aching

head on your strong

shoulders

wrap your arms

around

my shivering

aching hurting

body

it is not you

not you

never you

doctors

i needed

there

i’d reached for

nothing

a visage

an illusion

named you

you

you never came

never there

hurts

pains

sharp strong scrapping

my insides with fire

i am aflame

lit up

burning

yet unconsumed

fire within

fire without

i walk thru the flames

delirious

unsure

the line delineating

truth from fiction

lost in visions

spiraling down

the bottomless pit

release my soul

leave my spirit free

rebirth

awaits.

november 8 2014

montana

[image of rawson lake via chrisamat]

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